Anorexic Love
by Aria Gaile
Summary: He's the one who made this happen, but I can't punish him. He's too busy punishing me. -RavenRobin/AU
1. Pilot

_Important: Rated for language, use of alcohol, and sexual content. In no way is this the intended perception or expectation of university/college students. Don't follow certain characters' example and **be smart** with yourself if you find yourself in or choose to enter settings like this._

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_..._

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...

Ugh.

You know how people say that when you fall in love, the world suddenly becomes clearer because it's all thanks to the person you're with? That everything just falls into place and nothing could be as simple as the feelings you have for them? Or that, everything in life becomes worth it because you've finally realised who matters the most to you and you'd give yourself up in a heartbeat for that love to remain as true as it is?

Well, I think that's utter bull.

Love doesn't make things clearer. If anything, the strings get even more fucking tangled and it's harder to see what's real. And love is definitely not simple. I have never been frustrated by something so complex. So, I apologize to all you happy couples who think they're living on a ridiculous Cloud Nine because I think you're the biggest liars on the face of the earth.

Then again, maybe it's just me.

Maybe I'm so cynical and empty that the idea of love bounces off of me like that rubber-over-glue crap. Maybe you guys should be the ones apologizing to me because you really did solve something so easy and I'm just so screwed up that I can't see it straight.

But hey, don't blame me. Blame my best friend.

Richard Grayson. Well, now he's more like the pinnacle of my hopes and dreams and my sexual desire.

And I can't fucking stand it.

See I didn't mean to, honest. Richard was supposed to be the idiot that I would run to for a good laugh or a knock in the head because he thought the guy I dated in sophomore year was a loser. But now, oy. I don't even know when it all happened. Maybe it was when he won me that ugly stuffed elephant during that year of our frosh week. Maybe it was even farther back when that son-of-a-bitch Roy Harper ditched me at the junior prom for Kitty and Richard beat him up in the parking lot two days after. Maybe it was after thinking about how he always bakes me cookies after we have a fight and I cave in as easy as a sinkhole.

I really don't know. But yeah, I do. Raven Roth loves her best friend Richard Grayson.

The problem is that while everyone else can see it as easy as I can, the big idiot himself doesn't.

Unfortunately he's too busy chasing other girls to realise that his best friend is in love with him. And she punishes herself by letting him do it because she's too chicken shit to tell him.

So that's how I ended up in this situation.

Letting him drag me to another frat party because, minus the beer pong or friends he's agreed to arm wrestle, there's that hot girl from his political science class that wants to grind him on the dancefloor. Obviously he didn't tell me that last part because, according to him, he believes in protecting my 'pretty, little innocence'. But I'm not an idiot, I know his reputation. God forbid, my parents do and they wonder why I'm even still his best friend.

Let's get one thing straight, Rachel Roth _hates_ frat parties. She hates parties in general. Rachel Roth is, by choice, a good girl who stays in most of the time. And sure, sometimes she pisses off a couple people on an hourly basis but she remains studious and sticks to her moral compass. But that's the thing with Richard. Where I am orderly, he's disorderly and he brings out the rebel in me when he thinks it's called for. And in a way, I guess our friendship balances out for both of us, seeing as how he is still currently running a 7.0 GPA and hasn't gotten a girl pregnant.

I wouldn't tell anyone but I think they'd know that the latter part would devastate me.

Regardless, Richard is my best friend and sometimes when he works his magic, I melt like the chocolate chip cookies he bakes and I end up shrugging on a jacket and following him to a party, thinking some kind of good will come out it.

I should really learn better.

Not even two minutes in, after one of Richard's friends Connor opens the door, Richard is gone, making a beeline for the booze, his bros, and that bitch he spots from poli-sci. Meanwhile, I end up squished on a couch between a couple getting really close to throwing their clothes off, and a guy who looks like he wants to go outside and smoke pot on the porch but it's too cold outside so he's stuck in the house like me.

For about an hour and a half, no one talks to me as I pretend to drink the beer in the cup I'm holding. Maybe because they don't know me, or maybe because _my_ reputation of being an 'all-work-no-fun' kind of girl makes me unappealing company. Or maybe it's the way I look at the party. Dark, upset, and a bit homicidal.

But it's the party, honest.

I actually like the music Connor's set up for the night, and the noise doesn't bother me. It's probably because directly in front of me I can see Richard already dirty dancing with poli-sci girl on the floor and they're getting way too ...handsy.

She's all tight-shirt and primped hair with a sexy smirk I could never pull off without looking like the Joker, and he's all calm coolness with his button-down-jean sex appeal. Richard presses his mouth behind the shell of her left ear as he moves in closer and she arches her back a little more so their bodies create more friction in the lower area. Then he whispers something in her ear and goes to put his large hands on her thighs and... I get up from the couch.

It's getting too hot in this house.

I half remember to take my jacket from the couch, but that's only after I pass through the haze of drunken people and when I'm already standing on the outside porch in the cold. I take a quick look around to make sure no one notices that my eyes are painfully wet as I try to blink them down. But I'm lucky that this December, no one, not even the stoners are willing to brave the temperature outside.

With a shaky (but angry) sigh, I sit on the stone steps and squeeze my knees together for warmth. Why do I do this to myself? I'm twenty-two, this is my last year as an undergrad. I should be living it up and not giving a shit about my body or life the way he does, the way everyone seems to have done in this house. And whether or not I actually decide to take that opportunity and go do graduate studies, I should at least have some fond memories from _this _chapter of my life. But honestly, I haven't up until this point.

And it's all because of... who I'm pretty sure just opened the door behind me and closed it again. At first I didn't think it was him and hoped the person would ignore me and keep on walking, but I recognize the sound of his sniffle.

Yeah, I'm _way_ in too deep.

"Raven?"

I don't say anything but I know it's all for moot. He knows it's me. Seconds later, I felt him drape my coat around my shoulders and I squeeze into it because it's still warm from being in the house.

"Why'd you come out 'ere?"

Great, he's wasted. Richard is pretty articulate for a party boy and he only ever slurs when he's got too much alcohol down his throat. I roll my eyes and stare out onto the deserted street.

"Just go back inside."

"Why? And leave my best friend out 'ere? Come on..."

I feel him more than hear him sit down next to me on the step and I turn instinctively to look at him. I don't know if God has it out for me but at the moment I do, the moonlight comes through the clouds and illuminates his face. Richard is like one of those marble statues of David or Adonis you see in a museum or in a catalogue. Ask anyone, honest. People have been coming up to us for several years asking him if he models or if he'd _like _to model. But he's never said yes to any offers. A part of me thinks he just wants to torture me for his own pleasure because I'm currently flushed and dry-mouthed.

His skin isn't pale and is a healthy, flawless glow of creamy white. His cheekbones sit high on his face and slope down giving him an handsome, angular jaw. And his hair, it's jet black , slightly messy, and curls at the ends. He doesn't do anything to it but it just _works._ And his eyes are a blue so dark and stormy that I'm pretty sure anyone with blue eyes (not me, I have brown) would be jealous for not having.

"Rae, talk to me." And could his lips be anymore full in front a set of white teeth? That's when I remember he's talking to me.

"Sorry, what?"

When I really focus on him this time, I find him giving me that smirk he gives all the girls. It should really piss me off, but it doesn't.

"What's wrong?" The smirk gets paired with a raised eyebrow. It makes me swoon inside and I groan inwardly because I'm picturing how pathetic I am up against all the other girls who've fallen to his charm. I'm his best friend for fuck's sake! I should be immune to all of it and laugh in his face, not be like the chick he almost practically hooked up with on the floor five minutes ago.

Instantly the thought of her and him together sets me off and rather than come up with a dainty little lie to make him feel sorry for me, I'm spiteful as I always am about things.

"Shouldn't you be already having that girl's legs wrapped around your neck?"

"If you know anything about a man, Rae, it's that a man must bear patience in his endeavours. I want to tease her a bit."

I shoot him a look of disgust and he automatically raises his hands defensively. I notice for the first time, he still has his beer bottle in one hand. He grins.

"Sorry. I forgot how innocent you are."

"Yeah well, unlike you, I'd like to keep my virginity for someone worth it, not throw it to the street like morning ham."

"I prefer breakfast in bed."

I snap my whole upper-body around to face him, without really meaning to turn this up another level.

"See, what the fuck, Dick? Why did you even bring me here? To teach me more damn sexual innuendos that I have absolutely no use for? Because I've already learned enough from you over the past few years!"

Richard for a second a bit put off by my outburst, probably because I was so quiet and awkward just moments before. I almost feel sorry for putting that scrunch in his eyebrows because Richard should always looks happy and worry-free. I'm in love with the derp remember?

But then again, he never really did learn to speak _Raven. _And he licks his lips awkwardly to prove it.

"Right. Uh listen, do you want me to drive you back?"

As I look at him, I notice how focused his eyes are on me and the stern set of his jaw. Maybe he isn't drunk as I initially thought. I open my mouth to give the answer I really want but I shut it just as quickly and look away. I can't let him drive me back to my apartment, he did bring me here to have fun and I'm ruining it. Plus, what if he really _is_ drunk and we both die because I was stupid for once during that one moment in our friendship? So I refrain from leaving and lean against the banister beside me to let my head rest. I don't realise how much my heart has been pounding the whole time until I do.

Richard sighs and I see him lean against the other banister too out of the peripheral of my eye. A moment of silence passes between us as we listen to the music thump heartily in the closed house behind us. These are the moments I like with him. Whether we get too wound up in our busy schedules or in each other, when the silence hits it's comfortable and beautiful. It reminds me of the younger years when Richard and I would be in his bedroom doing homework after school when he didn't have rugby practice and I wasn't stuck at band rehearsals.

Let me just say, I hope to never pick up another flute for the rest of my life.

When a breeze picks up and my insides shiver, I flick a gaze over to my mom's car nearby wondering if she'll actually start to realise that no library in its right mind would be open past midnight. I haven't told either of them that I'm at a frat party with Richard. For one thing, they think I'm a good girl so I'd like to keep it that way. For another, my dad has started to really hate Richard over the past few years because of all the things that he's heard about him while teaching in the psychology department here. And since Richard's double-major is Philosophy and Criminology, the students he teaches, and all their loud ass gossip, circulate through that one faculty. So basically I'm screwed if they ever found out who got me to agree to lie to them.

I sigh when the silence starts to get tense.

"What do you want me to do, Dick? Go back in there and smile like I'm one of them? Because I'm not. You should already know that by now and... look, I get what you're trying to do for me. It's nice of you but this is coming at a bad time 'kay? I've got that freaking paper due in two days and I should've really been at the li-... Ugh, why am I even telling you this? You don't give shit about my homework while there's a party going on in there. So why don't you just go inside and have tonsil hockey with that sk-" When I finally turn to look at him, I can't believe it.

The idiot has fallen asleep against the railing.

His head is slouched against the banister and his bottle is hanging precariously in his hand. Can you fucking believe him?

I growl and pluck the bottle from him before it creates more trash on poor Connor's frontyard. This guy really needs to get more sleep. He can't keep working, going to the gym, and partying like he's the freakin' Energizer Bunny. I would glare at him, but his peaceful features make it near impossible. It's like looking at Adonis meditating in a perfect posture of relaxation. What I wouldn't give to wake up to _that_ every morning.

Ugh, see how sick I am?

It's disgusting, but I reach forward anyway to brush his messy bangs away from his dark eyelashes with a tired look.

"Richard, I should be so mad at you right now for blacking out on me at a party that I hate ...too bad I'm falling in love with you so that idea's pointless."

_~o~_

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_TBC._

A/N: I'm back my darlings! Haha I know I know it's been ages but hey! ...No I don't really have an excuse to offer so sure, go ahead and throw something at me. I won't hate, honest. Lol but I hope the year's been kind to you in my absence! Mine's been pretty awesome as of late, minus that one time I blacked out like Richard at a party but otherwise yup, can't complain! ;D Haha so what do I have here? It's a comeback fic, and I hope you'll stick around to read it! :)

This is my _first AU **multi-chapter drama**_ fic for RavenRobin! Lol and I'm so excited because it's sorta laid out and ready to go! I just hope I can commit to it and finish it before the year ends. The idea came from personal experiences and a multitude of fics/stories I've read over the years and so i've pressed them together into a dramatic unfolding. If anything sounds like something you've read/heard of before, let me know where to give credit to. If it was where I read it I'll acknowledge. Copyrights are disclaimed because this story isn't for profit it's just to retell a story from a RavenRobin perspective mkay? :)

Also, as I've said before, any sexy fics will bump up their ages to young adults so don't think this is some awkward highschool fic. Raven and Robin are finishing university in this time frame because I think it's acceptable for what's going to come. Next chapter will be up soon (hopefully!). Haha as always, **one-word reviews **are enough and nice, just so I know if this story is worth continuing – I'll continue anyway lol but it's always nice to have feedback. Until then my dears, enjoy this Pilot chapter. Byee. :)

And can I quickly say, I love y'all! :D Haha seriously, thank you guys so much for your sweet and hilarious reviews, and to everyone else who favorited/alerted or just simply read my fics! It means so much to me and I'm glad we all love these sexy boys and girls. :D


	2. Chapter 2

_I am so sorry! This chapter was supposed to be here since Thursday but I forgot to upload. My bad lol. And wow thanks for all the kind reviews!_

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I think I get about four hours of actual sleep before my phone wakes me up. I get up, head to the bathroom, and return to my bedroom to pull out a white tank, a warm sweater and some skinny jeans. About twenty minutes later, I'm pulling my mom's car into the driveway of Richard's apartment. He lives on the first floor so I park just close enough without having to get out and freeze just to knock on his door. Five minutes later, he's stumbling through the cold and opens my door, giving me a million-dollar grin. Other than his slightly blotched eyes and dark circles under his eyes, he seems okay from last night's fiasco.

I'm glad that he didn't get a serious hangover, but I still give him a sour look.

"You could have _at least_ changed."

It's true. The loser is still wearing the same jeans and top from last night's party beneath his jacket. I want to go all parental on his ass right then and there but I worry that smile of his will disappear, so instead I busy myself by turning up the heat in the car for him.

Richard doesn't even say anything, just smirks at my obvious discomfort for his clothes and settles in. Then his blue eyes flicker downwards.

"That for me?"

"You see anyone else in here who likes coffee?"

I'm pathetic, really I am. Nearly every day no matter how much he pisses me off, I pick up Richard for class and I always have a coffee ready for him in the cupholder. But I can't help it.

Richard shoots me a warm smile. "Thanks Rae! You're the best!"

Because _that's_ why.

But rather than let it affect me, I turn my neck and pull out of the parking lot. Hopefully the damn blush in my cheeks will disappear by the time I turn back around.

As I drive, I can't help but bite my lip self-consciously in his presence. Last night was a terrible reminder for me to stop hoping for unrealistic things. Seriously, I think I should sign up for one of Richard's 'Rationality and the Mind' courses. Because as much as I kept telling myself I was going to that party for Richard, I was going to that party to have a good time, a small of part me... okay a _huge_, freaking part of me the size of Brazil was going to that party for myself. For a chance.

Chance at what might you ask? Oh I don't know, maybe the chance that Richard might dirty dance with _me_ all night and that _we_ would've ended up like that heinous couple on the couch just inches away from the perfect hookup.

But remember, it didn't.

At the end of the night, the only action I got was half-carrying-half-lifting Richard back to my car and driving him home as a comatose patient. Even with my confession _finally_ out there for the world to hear, the person it was meant to be heard by wasn't even conscious.

Yeah, so romantic.

But at least, by some grace, my secret is still safe from him. And even if he _did_ hear it, there's a high chance that his drunk butt would've interpreted it as mumbo-jumbo. So I can still hold my pride. And I fucking _like_ having my pride. Because at the end of the day, I don't want people to judge me except with the highest level of fear or at least respect.

No one can hurt you that high up.

When I'm done chewing my lip as we near an intersection, I suddenly realize that Richard hasn't turned on the radio. Normally he rages on rock or pop, drowning out my thoughts with annoying morning fever but... today he's quiet.

When I decide to look over at him, I almost swerve out of fright.

"Oh my god! What the hell is wrong with you? Don't do that!"

But he doesn't seem to hear me. Richard has his toned arms crossed over his chest and his blue eyes are still staring at my face intently. I don't know what to think under that gaze. Every time he uses it, people feel scrutinized and awkward. He definitely gets it from his step-father.

"Dick, seriously."

Richard makes a small noise in the back of his throat and I'm not sure whether I should interpret it as disappointment or frustration. Either way, my damn cheeks don't know when _not_ to work and they flare up for the rest of the drive.

I blatantly ignore him the rest of the way too.

Once we reach the campus, we get ready to part ways at the student lot. Richard has his classes on the East side, and I have all of mine in the West and if I was any more cliché about my feelings for him, I would've joked about the Shakespearean irony behind it all. But I don't because remember, I'm Raven. And love is for dumbasses.

By the time I turn off the ignition and get out to collect my bag from the backseat, Richard is already out and walking around the car to talk to me. Once I'm ready, I lock the vehicle and look up at him. Richard shivers a little but is otherwise giving me that calm look that makes him think he is better than me. How does he manage to be in such control of his emotions like it's no fucking big deal? I cross my arms defensively.

"What?"

He shrugs and sips his coffee again. I glare back at him but decide to not let him get on anymore of my nerves. The little shit.

"Whatever. I'll see you for lunch later then."

Richard nods and I walk around him to leave.

"Oh yeah, Rae?"

I turn. Now he wants to talk? What the hell did he forget back at the apartment now? But when I look his back is still facing me. Only his head is turned to look at me over his shoulder.

And he's got that freaking smirk on his face.

He takes a sip of coffee then says, "I heard you last night."

Then he walks forward and treads over the grass casually in the direction of his classes leaving me behind. But the thing is, I just continue to stand there.

Holy fuck.

My heart races.

No.

No no no no... Please tell me I'm still asleep. I've got to be sleeping. I need to be. This can't be fucking real.

It can't be...

But it is.

I know it is because I can still smell the Axe he wears and the coffee breath that lingered when I walked past him.

Richard knows I love him. My best friend knows I'm in love with him. He wasn't asleep.

He wasn't asleep! The fucking liar.

I'm torn between fleeing back into my car and driving home to the solitary of my bedroom, and heading off to class as I usually do. What do I _do?_

Running after Richard is the _last_ thing I want to do right now. If anything, I want to run in the opposite direction a _thousand miles away _from the jerk!

But I settle for a couple hundred as I fumble with my bag and my keys and decide to scurry off to my classes. Maybe the numbing exercise of education will ease my nerves and soothe my heart. As I cross the parking lot, I blame my watery eyes on the harsh December wind...

The lectures do nothing for me. If anything, my stress has gotten worse. The classes are quiet, long, and dark. And in the solace of it all, I can't escape my thoughts. I regret not driving home and curling up in my room because at least there I didn't look like that girl from the Grudge in front of all my classmates. My notes suffered severely and when feedback was requested, I barely followed along to understand. All I could picture was my best friend's handsome face with his trademark smirk. Only this time it meant something far worse and cruel.

_I heard you last night._

Fuck you, Richard Grayson. I _really _fucking hate you.

By my third class around 12, I was fuming. I'd transformed from the pitiful, weepy Raven earlier that morning into furious Raven. How _dare_ he pretend! How dare he not saying anything until this morning? How dare he _leave_ me afterwards like it was nothing? Richard is supposed to be my best friend, but he treats me like crap when it should really matter.

And this should REALLY matter.

What does he think, I'm another girl he can check off his skank list? Raven Roth is no skank, not like that poli-sci girl he likes so much. Is he happy then because he finally broke the ice shield I had built around me all these years? Am I... did he walk away because finally I'm not as interesting to him anymore as I was when he thought I was the only girl immune to him?

Oh god. Suddenly I'm reverting back into depressed Raven.

Could this get any worse?

"Raven!"

Yeah, I guess it can.

I don't even need to look up in my seat to know that Garfield Logan is taking a seat next to me. He's Richard's roommate, a green-eyed goofball who leaves the apartment early for his dragonboat practices and has a class in the lecture hall before me so we always end up running into each other.

"Hey girl, how are you?"

Oh yeah, and did I mention he's been trying to ask me out for two years now? Ick.

I roll my eyes and go to get out my notebook.

"I'm bursting with fruit flavour. What do you want?"

Now let me be clear on something. There's nothing actually _wrong_ with Garfield that makes me dislike him. He's very social, probably more than Richard, he's just as charming, and he's good-natured. Never once have I seen him upset and cause trouble and in all honesty, what-with the train wreck I'm best friends with, Garfield should be my perfect match. I can see how he'd balance out the rude in me and we could have a good time but the thing is... I just _don't_ see him that way. He's not who I'd want to date because I want... Well, he wouldn't be as annoying if he realised that.

And I'm sure you'd agree that there's nothing sadder than knowing someone doesn't take a hint and try for love in other places.

Garfield brushes off my icy voice, much like the rest of my respect, and leans on the desk beside me. I glare for extra measure and give him the silent treatment. Just say what you want and get the fuck out.

"So, how's Richard this morning? I didn't get to catch up with him after he puked in our sink last night and I carried him to bed."

My lips almost quirk up at the thought but I force them down. I don't want Garfield to have any excuse to stay longer than he needs to. So I focus my eyes on my classmates trickling into the room in their haphazard winterwear.

"He's good. Obnoxious as he ever was."

I see Garfield nod out of the peripheral of my eye.

"Was the party good?"

I sigh heavily and give him a tired look.

"Loud."

Garfield grins and rubs his neck. He only does that when he's ready to ask something. Yeah, I can read people like a book.

Too bad they can't give me the same gesture.

"Well, I'm glad you had a good time at the party."

"I never said I had a good tim-"

"And maybe if you're still in the party mood, I know thi-"

"Garfield, just stop."

He shuts up abruptly and stares at me with wide, green eyes. Ugh, I hate when he does that. He looks like I kicked his puppy or dropped his pet turtle Norman in a boiling pot of water. I need to cut this cord fast before any feelings can get hurt.

"But Ra-"

"Garfield, please. I'm not going to be in the party mood again for a very long time."

And this time, I don't have to lie when I say it. But Garfield is still sitting beside me with a sad look on his face. This isn't the first time I've rejected him, and it probably won't be the last.

"You sure?"

I nodded firmly and he sighs before putting a happy grin on and getting up. I wish I could fake happiness the way he does. But happy Raven doesn't nearly reach _that_ level of acting.

"That's okay then! So I'll see you around yeah? Bye!"

As he says it, I reach down into my bag for a pen and pretend not to hear him. When he's gone I sigh. I hate being a jerk. But when I look up, I hate it even more.

Just as Garfield leaves, one of my girl friends Terra is coming into the room and she's stares at us with an almost suspicious gaze. The edgy, blonde senior has had an immense crush-borderline-obsession on Richard's roommate since last year when he saved her at Echo Beach from getting pulled out by a current. But Garfield hasn't remembered her since then because even though Terra is way more social than me, she's still pretty quiet and likes to keep it that way. Maybe that's why we're so close.

Hey, birds of a feather.

Anyway, Terra knows about Garfield's crush on me and so she scrutinizes every encounter we have. And it really bugs me. I think she and Garfield would make a way better couple than us and she shouldn't have to worry about me wanting him because I've reiterated to her how much he annoys me. But Terra keeps giving me wary looks and I think it's upsetting how much insecurity she has in herself to keep putting that strain in our friendship. But I'd never say that to her face.

I never want to say _anything_ mean to people's faces but generally I'm surrounded by people who don't see or accept the truth. It's so fucking twisted.

As I rub my head on that thought, Terra comes to sit beside me. Her eyebrows are raised and her blue eyes are squinting.

"Why'd he come over to talk to you?"

I shake my head and groan. There's already too much on my plate this morning to have this regular spat. I notice Terra pause in her class routines.

"Hey, you okay? You don't look so good."

I flick my brown eyes over to hers. I notice that she has a blue butterfly clip in her hair. It's pretty, and I instantly feel bad because she probably put it there hoping Garfield might notice her. I'm such a douche.

So I open my mouth and tell her something I swore I was going to keep to myself all day, but decide against it because I owe her.

"Dick knows."

Terra doesn't move for a second and I wonder if I actually said it. Until I see her lean close to my face with her eyes wide.

"How?"

That's what I like about her. She doesn't get all dramatic.

"Because I'm an idiot."

And for the rest of the class, Terra and I whisper about the shit I created and should be condemned for. She doesn't really offer any advice but to just think on it. Think on it. Like really? Having wasted five hours of class wasn't enough, I have to go home and continue wallowing in this mess?

But by the time we split after the lecture, I feel slightly better. Terra can't follow me to lunch to face Richard together because she still has another class, but I'm not carrying the heavy heart I was before she arrived. It's lessened slightly in the comfort of knowing that someone else knows what I'm going through. It really _is_ good to have someone to talk to.

So when I get to the lunchhall where all the students mingle in a food orgy, I grip my lunch tray quite confidently, thinking that the worst of the pain is over and it can only get better from here.

I'm sadly mistaken.

Just the sight of Richard sitting with the poli-sci girl and her friends breaks all my resolve. She flips her long red hair and bats her eyes at him as he laughs at something a buddy of his says when they walk by. It's appalling. Hey, screw you if you hate my big words.

One second later, his eyes flit over to where I stand and he sends me an arrogant smirk. At the same time, the girl runs her hand through his ebony locks and he goes to smell her hair as she giggles.

I can't sit with him. I can't even look at him like this. It's like he is almost rubbing it in my face with all those gorgeous skanks around him. Like he's something I can't have or will never have. I glare then spin on my heel and head for the back door to the student garden outside. Fuck him.

My best friend is an _ass._

The cold air and blinding sunlight do well to help me squint my eyes. Until I realise that my watery eyes are threatening to fall for the third time in twelve hours. Calm down Raven, dammit! You're stronger than this. You've always been this strong! Never once in the past three years did Dick even _know_ you liked him and now after one night of a slipup, all that tenacity you built for yourself is just going to vanish?

Wake up!

"Raven!"

Obviously, he would follow me and make my situation worse.

"Come on, look at me."

He's panting. Did he sprint over here? When I dare to look back at him, I notice that his hands are on his knees and he's catching breath. My eyes widen, but I'm still confused.

"What do you want Dick?"

"Raven, I... I just need to know."

My heart leaps in my throat. Fucking hell, he's bringing it up. My mouth opens but no words come out.

"I need to know... was it true?"

Richard lifts his head and his electric, blue eyes are intense and his mouth is a thin line. The look of it sets me off because for once, he's actually freaking serious. As I try to gather my words, Richard stands up straight, his hands calmly at his sides.

"Was what true?" God, that was so pathetic. Dick's eyes narrow slightly, like he's trying to see inside me.

"You know what I mean. _Was_ it?"

Normally Richard is used to Raven shooting back a comment like a slapstick. But today, he knows he's got me in a knot and I can't respond as I normally would. But who really can? Who can really say 'I love you' so easily to the person they're in love with?

Oh yeah. Normal, uncomplicated, smart people who don't torture themselves.

This is all so much.

I notice my best friend take another step forward until our chests are almost touching. My entire body is flaring up like a dry piece of wood on a fire. I'll die right here I swear!

"Do you really...?"

His voice is always so sexy when it hits an octave deeper than how he normally talks. And I can't help it, his eyes are so blue, so vibrant that I can help but get trapped in them. They imbue me with a raw power only Richard Grayson can do. I feel like I can say anything under the gaze of this Adonis. And I do.

My mouth forms the word before I even think it. In a flutter, my voice hits a softness I didn't know it could. I breathe.

"Yes."

As soon it comes out, I feel like I have never said anything with such truth in my life. But at the same time, I want nothing more than to call it back and go into hiding for a year. I feel myself turning into a puddle, as I picture all my memories with my best friend.

Then suddenly I feel his hand on my face. His palm is large and smooth, and so warm that my face feels like it's going to burst into flame. When did I become so mushy?

Oh, who am I kidding? This is the most perfect moment of my life! I can feel any freaking way I can. Richard Grayson's stroking my cheek! My best friend didn't run screaming when I told him I loved him. I reach a hand up and place it over his as I continue to stare at him.

His face is unreadable but that is a good thing right? I mean, he's probably a flurry of emotions right now but buddy, I did my part. Now it's your turn.

The longer his hand lingers on my face, the more I feel a grin ready to split on my face but I hold it in for the sake of cherishing the moment. Then Richard pulls his hand away from mine and it falls at his side.

"I'm sorry Rae. But I don't."

Maybe it's a good thing that I didn't smile just yet. As he goes to turn around, my heart cracks in ways I wasn't sure it would. I sputter and my brown eyes are frozen on his back.

"W-What?"

That stops him and when he turns, I can't help the vicious wide-eyed gaze I give him. He seems to understand what it represents because his eyebrows furrow together.

"What? I'm sorry. Were you expecting that I'd say it back?"

"But I... Dick, you don't have to be-" I choke on my words.

That's when my tears start to fall angrily and I wipe them quickly because I hate to show weakness. But that ship fucking left days ago. Richard almost seems put off by my crying. Then again, he's not comfortable around crying girls. How could he reject me when I've been what's kept him from being a complete douche to women? He frowns.

"Rae, you think that since we're best friends I'd automatically love you back and stop liking other girls? I'm not going to change who I am. I can't stop being who I am for you."

Translation: I like having lots of girls and I won't just settle for you.

In my silence, Richard turns back around and heads back inside.

And I'm left standing there, as shocked and destroyed as I was this morning.

~o~

* * *

_TBC._

A/N: If you think Raven and Robin are way OOC it's because that is the point! :) I like experimenting with new fics and in this one, my challenge was changing around the personalities of the two birds. Raven so far has been very sensitive while Robin is obviously pretty cruel. Don't like their friendship? Love it? Will they change? Only I know! :D Lol and I'm gonna keep it that way while you read and see for yourself. But trust me when I say their characters will get a little deeper. Ooh. :)

Haha more to come!  
-A


	3. Chapter 3

I am physically shaking as I push through the exit doors of the council chamber. I made it all the way through our student council meeting without having an emotional breakdown but, you know what they say… the more you bottle up something, the bigger the resulting meltdown will be. So I barely remember what we talked about, something about them putting on a masquerade dance to raise money or for school spirit shit. I don't even care, I just want to go home _now._

But the drive stops a short distance outside of the campus because I've realised, after almost clipping several cars, that if I don't pull over soon I'm gonna commit suicide.

Once I turn off the ignition, I thump my head against the head seat and take a breath. Everything about how I feel right now makes me want to kill someone and cry at the same time! My emotions are running rampant. I want to scream yet shut it all off. How can I function like this? When did getting friend-zoned become such a dick move? Has anyone ever been told they weren't liked ...in the way he said it?

_You think that since we're best friends I'd automatically love you back?_

I rub my dried out eyes in frustration, not because I'm getting all upset again but because I'm just fuckingexhausted. From coming home late last night because of that stupid party, from this morning's cruel joke on my feelings, and the long hours that followed trying to cope with it. I sniffle and look out at the traffic. Like my pathetic love life, they just keep passing me by.

"Shit."

A knock on my passenger window makes me jump a little and I whip my head in fright ...only to see Garfield's wide green eyes peering through. Great, he's back. Now I'm not just depressed-upset, I'm _upset-_upset. I don't need him creeping around me again. But his incessant tapping on the glass isn't nearly as annoying as I want it to be, probably because the emotional part of me is in desperate need of human comfort. His mouth fogs up the window as he leans in closer.

"Raven? Rae, what's wrong?"

I glare out the dashboard. Maybe if I pretend I'm invisible he won't see me.

"Raven, come on! We're supposed to be friends. Open this door."

I'm not sure if I've ever given the guy the idea that I liked him. Maybe I cracked a smile or two in the beginning and he instantly thought we were close. I've been known to have that crap-ass problem. People think right off the bat I'm some bitch because I don't smile often and my voice according to Dick 'doesn't hit any other tone than _robotic_'. So when I smile, they think they're special or something and then don't leave me the hell alone.

Like now, for instance! I just want Garfield to walk away so I can finally sober up and drive home like I'd initially planned. But god, I don't know what happens next because next I realise, he's already tossing his bag on the passenger seat and shutting the door to walk around the car. When did I unlock the door for him?

I sigh and rub my eyes again when he opens my driver's door and leans on the frame with a surprisingly serious look on his face. It could rival Richard's now that I stare at him long enough.

"Get out."

I glare through my red eyes. "Excuse me, this _my _c-"

"I'll drive you home. So seriously, scooch over."

I blink and obey despite the stupidity I feel. Once I've numbly moved his bag to the floor of the car and I've buckled my seatbelt, Garfield seats himself in my previous spot and starts the car.

"You still live at the same place?" And I nod because there's nothing else I can say. There's nothing else _to_ say, really. He knows the route since he's tagged along with Richard few times to either drop/pick me up for something. I can't help but glance between the road and him as we settle into, what I feel as, uncomfortable silence. Garfield, unlike Richard, is loud and goofy and I even questioned Richard once as to why in all seven hells he chose _him _as a roommate.

Richard's response? _We're alot alike. Guess you need to spend more time with me to see it, huh Rae?_

Now I think I sorta do. When Garfield is serious, he has that unsettling brood in his facial features like Dick. But he doesn't look like he's as severe with it, more like he is concerned. Well he fucking would be, seeing as he somehow found the girl he's been wanting to ask out for months, alone and crying in her car. The damn prick. He better not think this gives him a free pass into my Hall of Fame.

But either way, I'm still grateful that I don't have to risk my personal safety by driving myself home through my tears. So for the rest of the car ride, I lean my head against the window and tiredly watch the lights. No way am I falling asleep...

"Raven? Get up, we're here."

Aw fuck. I did fall asleep. When I blink my eyes slowly, we're in front of my dad's Prius in our driveway and some snow has begun to fall a little. Garfield shuts off the engine and rubs his hands on his jeans. I take my keys from him.

He hasn't moved yet so I assume, since this is _my _car and we're in front of _my _house, that he doesn't want to leave yet. So yay me, he wants to talk to me. I rub my forehead with a frown.

"What? You forgot how to get back to your place from here or something?"

Garfield turns his green eyes to me and matches my frown with a deeper, so unlike-Garfield one. For once, he's straight to the point and I don't have a rude spit back for him.

"You don't deserve what he does to you."

I glare out the window. "Why do you assume it's _him_?"

I hear him scoff and it makes me bristle like he knows everything. "Raven, I've seen the way you look at him. I've known for a long time now. But he's a dick, no pun intended, and he's not interested."

Ouch, maybe he _did_ know everything. Wait, does that mean... I was so obvious from the beginning? To _everyone?_ I heave a deep breath but exhale it through my nose silently. He needs to leave like _now_ because I want to run inside immediately. But he doesn't and continues to torture me.

"You need to stop and move on. You deserve better than what you've settled for."

"For what, for someone like _you?"_

I hear him sigh tiredly and I risk a furious glare his way and see his sad, green, puppy eyes latched onto my face. In his defence, Garfield is handsome. His green eyes soften the sharp features of his cheekbones and short sandy blond hair. I can see why Terra and other girls would fawn over how cute he is especially when he's got a personality to match. But for me... ugh, it's like... I don't know! To compare, with Richard being like the untouchable Adonis that I yearn for, Garfield is like the male-model from Hollister that is just too easy to find. He'd be like the fun, laid-back surfers in those magazines that don't have to try too hard because they are fun to be around. But that's never been me. I love complex art and Hollister isn't really the art that I would go to a museum for.

Good god, did I just compare guys to art? It makes me fidget and look away and his voice sounds like it's gotten quieter.

"I'm just saying... Look, I'm always here for you if you ever need to talk."

I sigh against the glass. It surprisingly doesn't take a lot for him to switch my emotions does it? But then again, he sounded very sincere and he's got those big eyes that anyone with a heart would at least melt for a little. So I manage a small smile for him. _Just this once_.

"I know."

Garfield takes that a good sign and shoots me back a small smile with a confident nod.

"Don't close yourself off. You never know if someone else could be right under your nose."

And there he goes again. Jesus Christ, Garfield. Stop messing with me.

As I glare and unlock the passenger seat buckle, a brief picture of him walking right past Terra last week who afterwards gave me the saddest frown I'd ever seen, flashes before my eyes. And it makes them damp with frustration.

I hate Richard _and_ him.

"You should take your own damn advice." And I slam the car door and run up my front steps then manage to unlock my house door.

I vaguely see my mother in the kitchen home from work early before I run all the way up to my room and slam it quickly.

"Raven?"

I sniffle and try to give a calm reply. "S-Sorry, I just need to pee!" But she's a mom obviously. She knows that's a dumbass lie. But unlike my father, Arella knows when to give her daughter the alone time she needs. After I toss my bag on the floor and rip my socks off, I collapse onto my bed and sob like a drag-queen. I probably look it too since I can feel what little makeup I have on sticking to my cheeks and eyes.

It just felt like the whole world was falling apart. I am a good person! Why was this happening to me? Am I just so terrible, so awful that no matter what I do, things keep blowing up in the faces of those I care about? My best friend's a jerk, my other girl friend pretty much hates me without saying it, and I keep dumping on a guy who doesn't deserve any of my shit?

Ugh, I just want to curl up and cry forever! There is no way I'm doing homework tonight. With the state I'm in, my professors are gonna wonder why there is emotional angst all over my hand-ins.

After taking a deep sob, I hear voices coming from our downstairs living room... and I can only assume who it is since people rarely visit me except for _him_?

"Raven's busy, Richard. You'll have to come back or call later." My mom's voice is loud as shit, and from her tone it's obvious she thinks he had something to do with this. But as least she's preparing me for his invasion anyway because that's what he does.

Oh fuck. No no no...

_Oh hell no!_ Dick, if you come up those stairs-

"No don't worry, I'm only gonna be here for a quick moment. Swear!" I grit my teeth. He's using that extra sugary voice on her to charm her like a son-in-law does to get in good with his wife's family. But it's not like _he'll _ever become that to me. The douche flat out rejected me, remember?

I'm still thinking about the embarrassment and frustration that I feel that I barely hear his feet rumble up the stairs before he's already knocking on my door like we aren't in a fight. The little shit has the nerve to come here after what he did to me not even twelve hours ago?

"Rae? Come on, open this door. I didn't wanna... uh, but I brought cookies and I know you're probably on your rag right n-"

I threw a shoe at the door and hope the _thump_ is strong enough to be defiant. Why do all boys assume a girl is only moody on her period? Fucking stereotypes.

"Raven, be nice."

"I swear to god, Richard. Go away!" I hoped my voice came out strong and deadpanned but after crying for about a half hour before he arrived, my throat is raw and emotional. He knows he's got soft Raven tonight, as creepy as that sounds. But watch, his determination will only get stronger despite my embarrassment.

"_Raven..._"

First he uses _the tone._ I bite my lip to calm the hiccups.

"Please, we're best friends remember?"

Then, _the reassurance_. I lift my head from the tear-soaked pillow and stare at my headboard.

"I made cinnamon this time. With _brown sugar_, just how you like it. Come on..."

And finally, _the bribe._ I hear myself sigh in my pathetic guilt and rise from the bed. It figures that food would be the way into my heart. But then again, Richard is like the jedi of baking. I really think he should stop this silly nonsense of wanting to become a P.I. and just open his own dessert catering service or something.

I wipe my nose and eyes with my sweater sleeves as I walk across the room to unlock the bedroom door. At this point I could care less how I look to him since he was the one who did this to me anyway. But friend-zoned or not, he's still my best friend and I open the door to let him in. He's standing in my hall with a slightly put-off expression before he replaces it with a small smirk. He's dangling a white box by its red ribbon. This asshole. I snatch the warm box from him.

"Okay, now goodbye."

I miss his expression of guilt as I open the box to take a whiff of comforting baked goodness. God, my heartache has left me feeling so heavy and sluggish and this is like a breath of fresh air. But they _were_ made by the person responsible for all of this and I can hear in my head as I smell his Axe is...

_I'm sorry, Rae. But I don't. You think that since we're best friends I'd automatically love you back...?_

It hurts so much. Ten times worse now that I'm seeing him face-to-face again.

Richard follows me to my bed and I plop down quickly, reaching for my pillow to try to flip it over because it looks disgusting from all the wet mascara marks on it. I don't want him to see it, but his dark, blue eyes fall on them before I can even finish flipping it. I don't stare at him but onto my floor as I nibble on one of his famous cookies, waiting for him to speak.

Dick sighs and runs a large hand through his ebony locks. The voice that follows is genuine and serious.

"Rae, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that when I said what I said today. You just... it freaked me out."

Meaning that he _still means_ what he said, but just not with that level of cruelty. So what, is his punk-ass apology supposed to make me feel better?

But uh, newsflash it fucking does it. Not after the way he made me wait for an answer all day and caressed my face, giving me the wrong freaking idea!

So I keep my mouth shut and nibble on the cookie with such force that it's all the response he needs.

Dick leans out in front of my vision to look at me seriously. And it's when he does that, that I get ...the glimpses of how we used to be before college life completely 180-ed his ass. Him calculating me and concerned with a calm expression because that's what best friends do when one's in pain. They use the three-C's and try to form that bubble of comfort.

Okay, so make that _four_ C's.

I watch his dark eyebrows furrow together as I'm lost and unresponsive to his words. He looks down and furrows his perfect, dark eyebrows.

"I keep forgetting how harsh I can be, remember? And how much more sensitive you are than me."

I feel my brown eyes well up again as I hear him talk and remember the memories of this morning.

He doesn't like me that way, and I'm an idiot. I smile ruefully and lean my head against a fist to eye him briefly.

"You gonna blame that on my period again?"

Richard shakes his head firmly and my eyes widen for a moment. His eyes again... they're so blue and hold such a firm, desperate grip on me that I feel myself compelled to feel sorry for him. It makes my heart ache. Friends shouldn't be causing each other pain like this. I want to forgive him because it's his heart and he can choose who he wants to love because... I look back down onto the box of cookies.

When did he find it so easy to manipulate my emotions with this poor excuse for a 'I'm Sorry' in my hands? This all shouldn't have happened. Me going to that party, me saying those fucking words, him admitting it... we could've pretended like it never happened. Then he wouldn't have broken my heart and I...

Well I would've watched him chase after all those girls and my heart still would have broken. It's upsetting as I keep staring at it and I rub my eyes again as I put them down on the bedside table. He takes it as my sign for him to stay and continues to speak slowly.

Buddy, you'll already treading on bad waters.

"We're best friends and-"

"And you should treat me like one, you jackass. But lately, you suck at it."

"I know._ I know, Rae._ But you know, with exams coming and the tournament... I'll promise I'll try harder!"

My body tenses, and I know Richard realises he's said something horribly wrong since I see the way the jerk take in a sharp breath of air. Angry me takes over instantly, but really she has a right to! I fist my hands on the bedsheets and I lean back with an icy glare.

"That's your excuse. You ...you have to _try_? For god's sake Dick, being my best friend is _hard_ for you, but when you're grinding other girls in our year, it's easy?"

I see him fist his own hands and he looks away, with what I think is a disgusted look on his face. But for all I know, the idiot I'm in love with is just trying to cover up the flaw in his plan. I can't help the sniffle that escapes from my nose. How did our friendship get so ...one-sided? When did I let it slip to such a horrid level? And why am I doing all the work? Oh yeah, because I let him. I need to seriously be left at a train track for my chicken shit! The frustration makes me rub my head and I move to say something I hate as it forms on my dry lips.

"I guess... I guess I should be the one who should apologize, since I'm the only mature party in this friendship."

"Raven, stop-"

"Good. Because I wasn't since I'm not the one who screwed up this time! You did. And you can forget about me ever going to another damn frat party with you."

"But what about the one you're helping to host this weekend for the student council?"

Oh was that what the earlier meeting was about? I couldn't remember since I was basically in full on depressed mode since... Wait, how the heck does he know about the dance? Richard's not on the council. I send him an icy glare and ignore his stupid question.

"So _leave_ already. Let's just pretend we got past this so I don't make the girl in you feel uncom-"

"Raven, I would never take you granted but you waited too long to tell me. I'm... I'm not the kind of guy you could handle anymore."

"Hang on, you're saying _I waited too long to tell_ _you?_ I didn't know there was an expiration date before you turned from a best friend into an asshole!"

"Will you just let me talk? Dammit Raven!"

"And where do you get the damn nerve to tell me that I can't handle you? I've been _handling_ you for more than ten years now! I know you better than most!"

Richard chokes on his words and I take the moment to push my hair behind my ear because that's what I do when I'm fucking stressed. I watch his eyes instantly shoot up to the small scar running up from my temple into my hair. Funny thing is, I can't remember how I got it but he's always been uncomfortable with it. I find it kind of laughable though since the guy twists bones in aikido on a monthly basis. I sigh when I feel the anger leaving my hammering chest.

"If you don't like me like that, I _would've understood_ if you'd just freaking told me. But then you... we're best friends and you're supposed to be there for me but then you smirk and walk away from me this morning... sit with that redhead in the lounge at lunch and..."

"..."

And my heart lurches with disgust because he doesn't say anything to that at all. And even if he does, I won't listen. He sighs heavily.

"Rae, god I think I need help-"

"Dick, just leave. You know I'll just pick you up tomorrow anyw-"

"Rae... Come on,_ listen to me._ I said I was... I don't want you to hate me."

I stare up at him again and his eyes, in all their blue glory, set me aflame with guilt and anger. Of course I can hate him if I want! The fucking asshole.

But... do I honestly really _want _to? I don't realise how much I've talked over him until I see the tired expression in his face.

He frowns and when I finally calm down my emotions to see clearer in the room, I see it all. I see the awkward, I see the guilt, I see the exhaustion. And I see the side of Richard Grayson that I know most people have never seen because he's always so headstrong, cocky, and sure of himself.

But this is the Richard Grayson I've seen since childhood, the one who lost his dad, then his mom, and is now left uncomfortably in the hands of her new husband who is still like a stranger to him. The one who's afraid of staying in the theatre after it ends and the credits start because his biggest pet peeve is watching people leave. The one who stayed up with me our final year in highschool and told me how unsure he felt about his future and how scared he was of failing assignments and not graduating on time.

_That's_ the Dick I know.

He's my kept secret. _He's mine_. And not even that poli-sci skank can take him away from me.

So when I see the old Richard creep in again behind the new him, it breaks my heart and I can't help myself and try to reach out to the boy I fell in love with, regardless of what he said to me. It's what makes me want to hang onto this Adonis because despite everything he puts me through, he still wants me around and thinks that I'm the only one he can depend on. And as weak as I am, I want to be and I want _him_ to be same for me. It still fucking amazes me how strong we've both been to stay at each other's side. How strong _I_ really am because I feel like something is always swirling inside him that stops him from being honest with anyone or himself.

I look back onto the box of cookies wistfully. So maybe the jerk doesn't _completely_ treat me like crap. It's only been the parties and the girls he puts first before me but he stills looks out for me in his own way. Maybe I'm just spoiled and I just wished he noticed me more.

My throat catches and I hiccup. "I could never hate you, Dick. I just... I'm just exhausted. So _try harder._"

When I see him give me a half-smile, I shoot him a playful glare despite all the sudden animosity between us.

It pains me how much honesty trickles down from that statement but it's the god awful truth. I love him that much that I'm so glued to him it makes me sound shameless. But I have never felt so sure of myself in anything than how I feel about him, our friendship, and everything we treasure between us. When I see the way his face scrunches a little after I say it, I guess he realises how much I mean it too. But I don't know if it is because he agrees or because he is confused.

As much as I read people, I can't speak proper Richard, not after he became a skirt-chaser. I feel him grip my arm and it erupts like fire.

"I'm a douche, I get it. But you're the only person that's really been there for me. I don't want to lose you okay? So yeah, let's just..."

I want to say to him what I said to Garfield when I left him in the car earlier because it's what he and my heart deserves. But instead, I mumble an agreement in the back of my throat and feel him wrap his long arms around me. He rubs his hands in circles on my back, partly for me I think. Partly for himself because I can feel his breath shudder against my shoulder through my sweater. The warmth and size of him is welcoming and numbs the sting that's been in my chest for a while and I instantly begin to feel the exhaustion settle like a ton of bricks.

After a while, Richard leans me back down onto my bed and pulls my covers over me. I sigh tiredly but then he does something that sort of kills the moment.

The jerk leans down and presses his lips to my cheek.

And why is that bad? Because of the way it felt.

Short, chaste, and cold. Like a kiss goodbye.

Like another rejection...

When I wake up, he's gone and my heart is spinning in my chest. I rub my tangled hair and I sigh heavily into my lap. Guess he wasn't going to stick around like I'd hoped.

See, this is why I think love is stupid. Look at what it did to me, what it _keeps _doing to me. How did I manage to believe that things would settle after that? Now that he knows I love him and now that I know I can't get over him, what kind of crap am I going to face after this? Dick still doesn't want me like he wants other girls! After what he did coming to see me last night, I feel like the second rejection was even worse than the first one in the cafeteria. Somehow, Richard was able to not only walk away from me ...but it felt like he had _stolen_ a part of me.

And I know I can't take it back because it's gone for good. My best friend took a piece of me and it's weird that of all people, he's the one I can't get it back from.

_So yeah, let's just..._

"Forget it ever happened. Huh Dick?"

~o~

* * *

_TBC._


End file.
